DOMINION OF THE COMMONWEALTH

Greetings to the common and wealthy!

It has been awhile since I have dialogued with you. Surely you've missed me. Not because we need each other--particularly me--but because my eloquent words give you meaning to rise everyday. Without the State of the Commonwealth, your common lives would always be mundane.

You are fortunate enough to have Tony Banner here with us. Last week at Purpose by Design, I addressed the audience about the Dominion of the Commonwealth. Today, we are not in our residence in your capital of Washington DC, but in Lucius Kaine's home in Birmingham. So come...

EXT: HOUSE OF KAINE - REAR ENTRANCE AND DECK

The camera pans over a set of tables with umbrellas set up. A red-haired servant wheels out a tray with two teapots and a stack of saucers. Churchill sits at the nearest table. Tony Banner joins him.

Weasley: Tea, Mr. Banner?

Tony Banner: No thank you. (Turns to Churchill) Now, Chancellor...

Weasley: Krumpet?

Tony Banner: Again, no thanks. Now...

Churchill: (sneered look) You refuse Lord Lucius' tea and hospitality?

Tony Banner: It's just that...

Tony stops speaking. Churchill gives a cold, piercing stare...

Tony Banner: I'll take tea.

Churchill: Very good.

Weasley places two teacups and pours the hot brown liquid into each.

Churchill: Thank you Weasley. Now you were going to inquire about the Dominion of the Commonwealth?

Tony Banner: Yes it was a very interesting topic.

Churchill: Of course it was. Everything the Commonwealth says and does is fascinating. It should be in all newspapers. You see, the Dominion of the Commonwealth is the second stage of our era. The first was the Iron Curtain. (looks in his teacup) Weasley, where is my cream?

Weasley: Sorry, Chancellor.

Churchill: *Sigh* Young fool. Only at the end...bah, wrong topic. See how important tea is? (Takes a sip) Ah, refreshed. The Iron Curtain phase was to expose the flaws and weaknesses in the XIP. First there was Amanda Alvaz...

Tony Banner: But didn't she defeat Lady...

Churchill: (Angry) That punch drunk wench had bricks in her gloves!

Tony Banner: I didn't see any bricks.

Churchill: That's the problems with Americans--you only see what you want to see. Then there was Li Zhang Lou with his claws. He nearly disgraced the Lord Lucius Kaine with that tainted victory.

Tony Banner: Tainted?

Churchill: Did you not hear me?

Weasley: You said tainted, Chancellor...

Churchill: Bloody hell Weasley, I was talking to Mr. Banner!

Weasley lowers his and head and turns around...and jumps at the sight of Bruce Kaine, who let out a bellow to scare the young servant. Satisfied, he puts an arm on Weasley's shoulder.

Bruce: Relax, Weasley. Why so wankering serious, chum?

Churchill: In the middle of a discussion, Baron Kaine.

Bruce: My apologies, Chancellor.

Tony Banner: So about the Dominion...

Churchill: Yes, the Dominion. We exposed the flaws of the XIP. Even this country. And now it is time to rectify them. The "F I am" is no more.

Tony Banner: But, how can you remove such a tradition among fans?

Churchill: Traditions are no good if they are insulting and demoralizing. Do you really feel...comfortable hearing that chant? It is degrading enough to hear such foul expressions among your youth in the streets and burroughs.

Tony Banner: We don't have burroughs. We have alleys, urban areas...

Churchill: Yes, the burroughs. Also, such a chant is unfitting for the Lady Allison.

Tony Banner: Also, you want to be addressed by your proper titles.

Churchill: Which is an imperative I gave upon entering the company, yet your announcers have not done an admirable job in honoring it.

Tony Banner: (Embarrassed) I...

Churchill: And of course, last but not least...the claiming of the prestigious championships. If you've been doing your reading and studied the Representation by Championship-tation, you were already aware of this goal.

Tony Banner: While I applaud seeing the interest in the International Championship, it would've been better if Lord Kaine had entered the fray for the title through rank instead of attacking Shadow and USA.

Churchill: Pfft...ranking? He's a Lord. There is no higher ranking. In fact, USA should surrender title to the better man instead of subjecting himself to the scrutiny we will place upon him.

Horse hooves pratter on the pavement of the deck before returning to the grass on the command of the rider, who dismounts and joins the men for the interview. He removes his riding cap, revealing long blond hair and replaces the cap with a top hat covered by the UK flag.

Churchill: Lord Lucius...

A black pony arrives next to the larger horse, and rider dismounts, taking off her black leather gloves, exposing her hands to the air and sun after being covered for so long.

Churchill: Lady Allison...

Allison: I require my manicurist immediately! I shall return.

Lucius: Don't be too long dear. Wouldn't want your tea to get cold.

Tony Banner: Lord Lucius, I was just asking Churchill...

Churchill: Chancellor...

Tony Banner: Chancellor Churchill, excuse me...about the Dominion of the Commonwealth.

Lucius: Why yes. (Takes a seat at the table. Bruce Kaine still stands over them.) Mr. Banner, securing gold is what we Britains do best. We did it in the 1908 London Olympic Games. We did it this year, and capturing 15 gold medals despite the communist conditions of the hosting company.

*Cues Commonwealth theme*

Lady Allison returns wearing her red leather gloves. John MacDougal comes in through the glass doors in the back, rubbing his hands together. Tony Banner shows apprehension as the group comes together.

Bruce: (pointing to John) We shall take the Tag Team Championships and raise them to London towering heights.

Lucius: Only in the hands of the powerful can gold really have value. Greatness must bleed on the titles to make them shine again. And I shall secure the International Championship and carry it to heights not visible to the human eye.

Allison: I shall do the same for the Lady's Championship...

John: And those in our way, will be broken.

Churchill: For God save the Queen...

Each grabs a cup of tea and raises it high. Tony Banner backs away.

ALL: And God save the Commonwealth!!

ENGLISH COURAGE

Greetings to the common and wealthy!

I know it has been sometime since I graced your cheap monitors and peripherals with a blog, but just as a rainbow crosses the sky after a storm, the great Chancellor of the Commonwealth has returned.

As I was sitting in my luxury, eating some delicious Spotted Dick (the dessert, not the perversion you disgusting ruffians!) and sipping on a tawny port, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves came on the tele. That piece of drat sickens me everytime I see it. Yes, Alan Rickman put on a fine showing as the Sheriff of Nottingham. But, the nerve of that bugger Kevin Costner playing an English legend. He should be whipped for his audacity.

However, there was one nugget from this movie: the phrase "English courage". I turned off the tele to listen to a few selections by the great composer Frederic Chopin. English courage--what could it mean? Could it be referencing the strength it takes for English to walk among Americans, exposing themselves to germs, low morals, and hypocrisy? With a President who has lead his country into a deficit, candidates of the same party mudslinging one another, and the other running for the position with his deathbed being prepared for him?

How does the International Champion USA look himself in the mirror in the morning, knowing that he is representing such a nation? Or maybe he does not think at all. Such is the method of most Americans to not utilize their brain and common sense. That is why it will take a man of English courage, such as Lord Lucius Kaine, to turn the situation around. With the International Championship, a great change can begin. Ineptitudes in schools will fall; secondary school graduate rates will rise; and the percentage of commoners will drop...actually I do not believe that can change--most American will always be commoners.

But perhaps the greatest sign of English courage will be that one day, the Commonwealth will be able to reach out...and actually touch an American without wearing gloves. And not sanitize themselves afterwards. Such a day appears unrealistic, but the Commonwealth will always be a beacon of hope to Americans.

- God Save the Queen, and God save the Commonwealth.

- Sir Steven Churchill.

REPRESENTATION BY CHAMPIONSHIP-TATION...

Greetings to the common and the wealthy!

This week, we will take a look at the greatness of holding gold. I know I know, many of you buggers and gits have never touched anything except for the faux gold in your jewelry stores (seriously, do you think it's real?) But I will not be talking about jewelry. No...that is for another day.

The XWW International Championship. It is a prestigious title held by some of the greats in this business. Fellows such as Aaron Frost, Kurt Stone, Jon Stone carried the belt with pride, confidence and patriotism. In the hands of these Canadians--therein making them part of England's Commonwealth--this belt reach its highest heights of popularity.

Now? The title rests around the waists of The Operative Ulysses Solomon Adams--formerly known as the US Agent. In his filthy American hands, the International Championship has become devalued, tainted by the touch of the fake red, white and blue. How dare he get the opportunity to carry such a trophy? That is not at all. The poof they call Shadow formerly held the title. In the hands of that painted man, the title felt nearly worthless. Do not mistake me: it was in better hands with him than the Operative. But filthy hands are filthy hands.

How can the title's glory be reclaimed? You know the answer--in the rich hands of Lord Lucius Kaine. A man of his wealthy status, a man of his generosity to commoners--despite not directly touching you--can only elevate the International Championship back up to a level close to the GWGP Championship--more on that title another time.

Believe in Lord Lucius Kaine. Denounce the painted man and the Operative. We will save you and represent the international the only way it can be: by being held by one of internationality.

- God Save the Queen, and God Save the Commonwealth.

- Sir Steven Churchill.

LUCIUS KAINE: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF CLASS

Greetings to the common and the wealthy!
I have another treat for you. With Mass Effect around the corner, that sorry bloak Tony Banner requested an interview with the dear Lord Lucius Kaine. The waiter Severus was able to videotape the event. We've provided it to you for free, since you common money can't afford it. So now, get yourselves a pint of beer or tea and enjoy the articulate words of the Lord of the Commonwealth...

EXT: THE ROOF OF THE COMMONWEALTH BUILDING

Tony Banner sits at table next to a rectangular pool in an upper left corner of the roof. What's weird about this pool is that its bottom has a mural painting of the United Kingdom flag. A figure emerges from the pool, soaked and drenched in the water. The sunlight glistens off of his muscles. His flowing blond hair whips around as he shakes his head. This is Lord Lucius Kaine.

The red-headed Weasley hands him a towel that Lucius snatches from him as he struts to the table and takes a chair.

Tony: Lord Lucius Kaine, thank you for having me here today.

Lucius: Oh it is my pleasure and your honor, chap. I am always available to deliver my words of wisdom and inspiration to those who need it--who in this case is all of those who aren't wealthy. Hahahaha. (Looks at Weasley) Weasley, brings us some tea, fruit, and cheese.

Weasley: Y-yes sir. (Weasley dashes off)

Tony: Lord Lucius Kaine, at Mass Effect, you will go one on one with Li Zhang Lou. How do you feel about that match?

Lucius: Well chap, I feel that this match is very important. One side of the ring, you have the Lord of the Commonwealth, the defender of the commoner even if he refuses to touch them. On the other side, you have an angry China man.

Tony: An angry China man?

Lucius: Why of course. In fact, expect for him to use nefarious methods in our match. Those claws of his are illegal for goodness sakes.

Tony: But why would Li Zhang...

Lucius: Don't you follow the news, dear boy? My fellow London citizens have been protesting against the Olympics being held in Beijing. Why not have them in London. Why not at the Royal Albert Hall?

Tony: But isn't that place too small?

Lucius: Pardon me, but have you ever been to London?

Tony: No sir, but...

Lucius: Then who are you tell me, me of all people about my country!

Allison: (O.S.--Off Screen) That's right! Do you know who the F he...

Lucius: Allison!

Allison: (O.S.) Sorry dear.

Tony: Where is Lady Allison's voice coming from?

Lucius: Why, under the table lad.

Tony: (Eyes widen in shock) You mean she's...

Lucius: I was kidding you pillack! She's probably a floor below us, listening out of the window. (Waves his finger) Your dirty American mind! How dare you! She is a lady!

Tony: I apologize.

Lucius: Kiss my ring and we'll be even.

Lucius extends his hand. Tony looks around, embarrassed. He kisses the ring quickly and goes back to his notepad.

Lucius: I'm sorry. It's just that I am passionate about my country and when human rights have been violated. Li Zhang Lou will pay for the sins of his people.

Tony: Wow. That's amazing sir.

Weasley returns with trays of fruit and cheese and a pot of tea.

Lucius: Ah, thank you Weasley!

Lucius grabs a strawberry.

Lucius: Ah, strawberries fresh from England. You won't find any that taste better than this. And the cheeses. Camembert, chevre, and a Stilton. Delicious!

Tony: Hmm, may I have some of that?

Lucius: No, you're not rich.

Lucius takes a bite from a piece of chevre.

Lucius: Now, on to more pressing matters. The International Championship. It is a very prestigious belt...but in the wrong hands. I am Lord Lucius Kaine, a true man of the world. Once my business with Li Zhang Fool is over, I will set my sights on it. Write that down. Then leave.

Tony: Sure. See you at Mass Effect.

There you have it, scoundrels. Good day.

God save the Queen, and God save the Commonwealth.

--Sir Steven Churchill.

NEED FOR A HERO

Greetings to the common and wealthy....blast it, BESMIRCHED!

How dare Li Zhang Lou put his hands on me! That filthy pillack! Do you know that I had to be flown back to England to get my wounds dressed? I would not dare let the American doctors touch me and let them infect me with their incompetence! Surely that fool will pay for his insolence.

The need for someone to believe in exists in all human beings. Dating back to the era of Ancient Greece, the people would uplift the heroes such as Achilles, Heracles, Perseus, as someone to look up to.

In America, such a need still exists. But just as in Ancient Greece, their heroes aren't true heroes at all. Achilles was an arrogant fairy; Heracles was a philanderer. Look at this country, pathetic. Their forefathers spoke of a moral fiber--All men are created equal--and each owned slaves. Nothing has changed. Look at the leaders of this nation. The great President William Jefferson Clinton, revered as an excellent leader who helped give this nation a surplus, was not a virtuous man, as he cheated on his wife. Some say it was just fellatio that's all. No no my friends.--sex is sex.

And note that this trend continues. The New York governor Eliot Spitzer--ironically a member of the Democratic Party--took pleasures in the arms of call girls in bordellos and hotels. His replacement, David Paterson, has admitted to having affairs during a trying time with wife. As if this excuses it...

That is the problem with Americans. They are always looking for excuses to live in mediocrity and hypocrisy than ascend to prosperity. Look at the UHC Champion 211. This is a man who is supposed to be a role model to young children. Yet, he calls his finisher, Steel Reserve, which is an alcoholic beverage. No wonder the minds of these ruddy children are poisoned. You boo Lucius Kane when he comes to save you, yet cheer this clown 211 when he all he does is drag you through the puddles of inferiority.

Again I must implore that you believe in the Commonwealth, and believe that we'll save you...even if we refuse to touch you.

God save the Queen, and God save the Commonwealth.

--Sir Steven Churchill.

AN EVENING WITH THE COMMONWEALTH...

Greetings to the common and wealthy! Today, a joyous treat for you. You get the chance of living the life with the Commonwealth. Not actually with us, mind you--we can't be touched by your filthy hands--but with the aid of a video camera. So, sit back, fix yourself a spot of tea, and grab a box of tissues to wipe away the tears from realizing you'll never live as good as we do.

EXT: THE COMMONWEALTH BUILDING

A horse drawn carriage adorned with the British flag is parked on the sidewalk. Camera pans around on the horses and stops at the building's entrance. A red headed servant comes through the double doors and holds them as Baron Bruce Kaine and Earl John MacDougal--dressed in black suits, Kaine wearing a UK flag studded neck tie--exits and heads for the carriage. Behind them comes a couple dressed in suits, with the lady wearing a red cloak over attire--her hands covered by rich leather red gloves. Her gentleman wore black suit just as the first two men; however, he wore a UK flag design covered top hat. This is Lady Allison Martell and Lord Lucius Kaine. Flanking on the side was a fairly slender man writing in a booklet: Chancellor Steven Churchill.

CHURCHILL: My Lord Kaine, we have reservations for the Occidental Restaurant in an hour.

LUCIUS: Very good. Weasley take us to the palace.

WEASLEY: Sir, there isn't a palace here.

LUCIUS: What are you bloody talking about? Where does the executive of this dreadful company live?

WEASLEY: The White House, sir.

LUCIUS: Well take us there.

ALLISON: Bloody Weasley. Sometimes I think it would be wise to fire him and hire his twin brothers.

LUCIUS: But then we'd have two silly wankers instead of one.

Lucius and Allison laugh as they enter the horse carriage. They look around find someone missing.

LUCIUS: Where's John?

MacDougal gets in the carriage and rubs his hands together.

BRUCE: What did you just do?

MACDOUGAL: I just helped that homeless man. He needed his back fixed.

LUCIUS: (With a disgusting expression) You mean you actually touched that wino, that ruffian? How distasteful. (Taps the wall of the carriage) Weasley, let us be off!

The camera fades out and returns with a new scene: the horse carriage stops in front of the White House. The Commonwealth leaves their ride and walks up to the gate. They pass a homeless man sleeping on a bench nearby. Allison takes a can of Lysol and sprays it on him.

COMMONWEALTH: No no my lady! You don't want to get its benny on.

ALLISON: Hmm...he looks related to that steg, Amanda Alvaz.

The camera pans around to Lucius walking pass the gates to the gardens in front of the White House.

LUCIUS: Ah, so there is a serene place in this city. Still doesn't touch Buckingham. And those roses need pruning.

A guard approaches Lucius. MacDougal and Bruce join their leader.

GUARD: May I help you?

LUCIUS: Oh, are you one of the Foot guards? Shouldn't you be at the gate?

GUARD: Foot guard?

LUCIUS: *Sigh* Don't you Americans know anything other than your revisionist history?

GUARD: I'm sorry, but we're not allowing any visitors today.

LUCIUS: You will regret this--no one refuses the Commonwealth.

Lucius, Bruce, and MacDougal walk through the gates and start entering the carriage when they see a beggar approaching Allison. Angry, Lucius walks up and grabs Allison by the arm.

LUCIUS: Away from her, ruffian!

BEGGAR: I just need a dollar, man.

LUCIUS: A dollar? Fool, you should ask for a pound. Our money is worth more than this country's.

BEGGAR: But I need a dollar.

LUCIUS: (Waves his hand) Your loss, berk.

We cut away to a new scene...

EXT: WASHINGTON CIRCLE

We get a shot of the George Washington statue and pan around to other side. Lucius stands on a podium raised high enough to be level with statue's platform. Beneath are Bruce and MacDougal looking at the crowd gathering, pointing at them. Churchill is handing out pamphlets titled "The Iron Curtain." Allison is pulled up to the podium by Lucius.

ALLISON: Alright, you Americans. It's time for you to...

No one's listening to her.

ALLISON: (Enraged) Alright you bloody Wankers! Pay attention so you can learn something! Don't you dare tell me to bog off, young man! Do you know who the F I...

LUCIUS: Allison.

Allison regains her composure and is helped down by MacDougal and Bruce. Lucius waves his arm.

LUCIUS: Citizens of the District of Columbia! Like your first President, the legendary George Washington, I cannot tell a lie--the American culture is on life support, struggling to breathe, struggling to exist. Your money's value is depreciating; your female heroes are slags; your male heroes are fairies and gits; your leaders are hypocrites.

The crowd begins booing Lucius. MacDougal threatens a couple of men while Bruce keeps two back.

BRUCE: Shurrup!

LUCIUS: Your leaders have always been hypocrites. Your founding father--George Washington--Thomas Jefferson--John Adams--they wrote that all men are created equal in your Declaration of Independence. Yet, each of those men owned slaves!

Surprisingly, a few black men start cheering. An apple core is thrown at Lucius.

LUCIUS: Watch it you git! This is an Alfred Dunhill dinner jacket! This costs more than your car!!!

Out of nowhere, an "F I Am " chant starts. Aggravated, Lucius steps off the podium, grabs Allison and heads for the carriage. He turns back to the crowd.

LUCIUS: You are all fools! Continue to support the pirate and the painted men! We're here to save you! Why can't you see that?

ALLISON: Don't worry honey, I can see that.

She gives him a kiss as they get on the carriage. Churchill blots his eyes with his handkerchief.

CHURCHILL: My Lord Lucius continues his attempts to help them despite receiving rejection. How noble.

INT: OCCIDENTAL RESTAURANT

The Commonwealth sits at a roundtable, looking at their menus. A waiter comes to the table.

WAITER: Good evening. My name is...

LUCIUS: Kiss my ring, please.

WAITER: I'm sorry?

Lucius holds his hand up.

LUCIUS: Kiss my ring, and we'll continue.

Confused, the waiter looks to his manager, who motions him to do it. The waiter kisses Lucius' ring.

LUCIUS: Very good! Now, what is on your special?

WAITER: Well sir, we have foie gras, a potato special...

MACDOUGAL: Excuse me?

WAITER: Sir?

MACDOUGAL: You looked at me when you spoke of the potato special. Why?

WAITER: I was just going over...

MACDOUGAL: Why do you think I want the potato special? Because I'm Irish? I'll break your...

CHURCHILL: Earl MacDougal, please. Can we just enjoy a good meal?

LUCIUS: (to the waiter) Before we order, could you take down those ridiculous pictures on the walls?

WAITER: Sir, there pictures of the Presidents of the United States.

LUCIUS: I know. They disgust me. Weasley!

Weasley walks in with a folder. He hands the waiter a pile of pictures after reaching into the bag.

WAITER: Who are these?

LUCIUS: They are the Kings and Queens of England. Put them up at once.

WAITER: I'll...have to ask the manager.

ALLISON: What do you have in tea?

WAITER: We have raspberry, Lipton...

LUCIUS: Lipton tea! Disgusting!

BRUCE: Vile!

MACDOUGAL: My tongue palette doesn't enjoy that brew.

CHURCHILL: Bring us some black tea, sugar and cream.

The waiter bows his hand and leaves.

BRUCE: Lucius, what are you going to do about Li Zhang Lou?

LUCIUS: Pfft, nothing. Feel his deathstrike, he says? He should try holding my money clip.

The waiter returns with the tea. Weasley pours it into five cups.

LUCIUS: Can you imagine living any other way my friends?

BRUCE: Not all, cousin.

MACDOUGAL: Never.

ALLISON: No way love.

CHURCHILL: A toast.

Everyone grabs their tea cups.

CHURCHILL: God save the Queen, and God save the Commonwealth.

The camera pans in on their hands bringing their tea cups together as we fade out...

THE END

THE MOST ELEGANT HANDS...

Greetings to the common and wealthy! Fresh from a lecture series on my latest book, your's truly, Sir Steven Churchill--Chancellor of the Commonwealth--has returned to deliver another stirring, evocative, provocative, message.

First, a look at a comment from last week: Hey I can speak British too! Watch...I boffed your mom!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Such a sad fellow this is. His mind is the completely wrong place. No wonder Americans are underachievers.

In watching the latest XIP event, I have noticed the long forgotten black sheep, the great Countess Crystal Vann. A woman of dominance, displaying the subtleties of wealthy power despite claiming to have left it behind. My dear Countess will see the light one day.

And now, this week I want to take a look at the dear Lady Allison Martell. Currently, she is engaged in a feud with Amanda Alvez, a muggle who says she has the "Best Dang Hands". Quite an absurd statement. The woman wears boxing gloves in the ring, so how does one know that she has the best hands? They could have dirt caked underneath the fingernails and be layered with callouses and bruises. In fact, they probably are.

Second: Allison Alvez...I'm sorry, Amanda Alvez. Insulting to connect my lady's name to such filth. A person of her low class can't afford to keep her hands in the best prim and proper condition. My Lady Allison can afford the best; When she wakes in the morning, my lady's hands are washed in a marble basin with the freshest water of the day, with the richest Castile soap in Europe. Her fingernails are manicured each day by the Queen's own attendants. From there, they are covered with gloves of a very supple red leather.

Best dang hands? That filthy puglet doesn't know what the best is.

God save the Queen, and God save the Commonwealth.

--Sir Steven Churchill.

A PRIVILEGED DISCUSSION...

Good day to the common and wealthy!

For those who lament for the Commonwealth being snubbed at Entitlement PPV, fear not--for soon the Iron Curtain will fall upon all who don't accept their place.

Now today, you and the reporter named JRock are privileged to have an interview with Lord Lucius Kaine and the Lady Allison Martell. Now, grab your coffee, tea, and your bloody American colored sugar water and enjoy.

- The Commonwealth reside in a penthouse in Washington DC. JRock enters the east wing to the training room to find Bruce Kaine spotting Lucius Kaine in a bench pressing exercise. Allison Martell is on an elliptical machine on the far right. Playing over the speakers is Lacrimosa.
- JRock approaches the Kaine cousins in the corner.
JRock: Excuse me Lucius...
Bruce looks up at him, enraged.
Bruce: Keep your distance, you wanker! Can't you see wealthy people working, you twit?
JRock backs up and waits. Thinking about it, he walks over to Lady Allison.
JRock: Hello, Ms. Martell?
Allison: (panting) Lady Allison, you muggle!
JRock: Sorry. I wanted to ask you about your feud with Amanda Alvez, the woman with the "Best Dang Hands"...
Allison cuts off the elliptical machine and steps down.
Allison: Weasley! My towel!
A red-headed servant runs into the room with a white, fluffy towel and a bottle of water under his arm. Allison dabs her head with the towel.
Allison: Best dang hands? Best dang hands? Her hands aren't worthy of being washed in my sink! Do you know who the F I...
Lucius: Allison...
Allison catches herself, and regains composure. She takes the bottle of water from Weasley and gives herself a sip.
Allison: I'm sorry, luv.
Lucius walks over and she gives him a sip of her water.
Lucius: In fact, I don't know why you allow yourself to get flustered by that punch-drunk wench. (Looks at Weasley) Leave us.
As Weasley dashes out, Bruce jumps out of nowhere to scare him. All three of the Commonwealth laugh, their noses pointing up in the air.
JRock: Now, Lord Lucius Kaine, if we can...
Lucius: Ah! You got it right for the first time! Very good. You may kiss my ring.
JRock: Huh?
Lucius: Maybe later. Now, come chap, why have you come to our penthouse?
JRock: Well I wanted to ask you about...wait, where's John MacDougal?
Lucius: Earl MacDougal is taking in the sites of this city. Don't know why--there's nothing interesting here in America. Such a disgusting place. Can't even afford street sweepers.
JRock: We have street sweepers in some states.
Lucius: Why not in all states? This is the problem with America! Small thinking. But with such small minds I guess it's excusable...
JRock: Lord Lucius, what are your thoughts on Li Zhang Lou's comments towards you?
Lucius: The poor fellow is obviously deranged. He says he was once an unknown, which I find completely hilarious because he's still an unknown. The man wasn't even worthy of being pinned. That's why I chose the countout victory. How dare they send such filth as my first opponent.
JRock: Well...
Lucius walks away from JRock and goes to the nearest mirror, admiring his muscles. He flexes his arm.
Lucius: Feel my arm, JRock.
JRock walks over touches his bicep.
Lucius: That's muscle. Real muscle. Only attained through true hard work, a regiment and diet that only the wealthy can acquire. I am the best, and they send Li Zhang Lou against me? Let him spout out his warnings about deathstrikes and such. Let him come, and taste Sovereign Manifesto. Let him come, and taste the Message from Windsor. For when it is over, he'll know he ate something too rich and too great for him to digest.
Lady Allison comes over and wraps her arm around Lucius' waist. Bruce Kaine walks up turns JRock to him.
Bruce: My turn. You tell that shades-wearing pillack Shawn Rheins that his business with the Commonwealth isn't over. And the next time he faces MacDougal, I'll be at his side. Do you understand? Tell him, and tell the owners. I want the Shade and the Shadow versus the Brute and the Baron. Tell them!
JRock: I will! I will!
Bruce: Good. Then you've outlived your usefulness. Weasley! See JRock out of here.
JRock follows Weasley out of the room.

There you have it, fellow readers.

God save the Queen, and God save the Commonwealth.

--Sir Steven Churchill.

THE IRON CURTAIN

Good day to the common and wealthy!

First, to the chap who wrote "F I am" in the comments of the previous post: Do grow up dear fellow. Your nanny is aware that she'll eventually have to wean you off diapers and huggies, yes?

This week, I thought it would be a good idea to address a topic not touched on in a month: The Iron Curtain.

Now, I know history is often misconstrued among the Americans, so a bit of background before jumping into the meat of today's lecture. The phrase "Iron Curtain" was first coined by Ethel Snowden in her classic book, Through Bolshevik Russia. However, the phrase did not reach popularity until Winston Churchill's famous "Sinews of Peace" address at the dawning the Cold War:

"From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic an "iron curtain" has descended across the Continent. Behind that line lie all the capitals of the ancient states of Central and Eastern Europe. Warsaw, Berlin, Prague, Vienna, Budapest, Belgrade, Bucharest and Sofia; all these famous cities and the populations around them lie in what I must call the Soviet sphere, and all are subject, in one form or another, not only to Soviet influence but to a very high and in some cases increasing measure of control from Moscow."

My friends, the Iron Curtain has a new meaning in this day and time. Understand that in the XWW, there is a meridian. It separates the weak from the strong; the wealthy from the commoners. Until recently, this line has been ignored; the weak and common have attempted to crossover to join the strong, living a facade of greatness that they truly cannot sustain.

This is why that fellow Shadow could not defeat Tchaositself--he is not a true great. But he does not realize this; not only has he cast his ballot into the Entitlement tournament to be the first XIP Champion, he has brought his friend Shawn Rheins into the company. For his sake, Earl MacDougal will put an end to his facade.

The mediocrity continues with the man named Ulysses Solomon Adams, appropriately initialed "U.S.A." This man exemplifies weakness, and his ignorance to understand that can only hurt the country he claims to represent.

Kage Stevens is a man attempting to recapture a glory that has long passed him. He refuses to lay down his hammer and quit. No, Stevens presses on in the XWW, specifically the XIP Brand. There, his legacy will grow into one of foolishness and contempt, for a man that once was could have been considered an icon.

This is not mockery that I speak--only truth. As they say, the truth shall set you free. And once men such as these learn their place behind the Iron Curtain, they truly shall be free. And so will we all.

God save the Queen, and God save the Commonwealth.

--Sir Steven Churchill.

ANATOMY OF THE BRUTE

Good day to the common and wealthy!


Today you are in for a treat. The Earl John MacDougal has decided to spend sometime and reintroduce himself to the American audience. The reason for this is that many of you Americans don't recognize talent when you see it, so it's good remind you of it, and over and over and over... But I digress. And now for your viewing pleasure...up out of your seats ruffians...the Earl of the Commonwealth, of Backbreaking and Career-Taking: A man of few words.


- My teacher taught me that every part of the body has a weakness that can be exploited. Some can destroy the arms, the legs, even the ankles. But I love backs. They're best served broken.

- There is something beautiful about breaking a person's back. You render them powerless and immobile. They become paralyzed with pain and fear. You do not know pleasure until you hear the hard crunch or pound of the spine against your knee or shoulder.

- The reason I chose the Brute Force as my finishing move because the victim's back is close to my ear, where I can hear the spine shatter on my shoulder.

- Do not think that I do this solely for myself; the victim himself experiences unbelieveable bliss from having his back cracked. The pain is followed by a euphoric feeling of unconsciousness. Nothing else in the world can bring you that--drugs, alcohol, money, power--nothing.

- Shawn Rhein, I have message for you. In ancient days, pharaohs would use the backs of slaves and servants to build monuments & pyramids in their name. At Entitlement, I will use your back as a step towards to the GWGP World Championship. Backs are best served broken, and your's will serve me well.

There my friends, you have it. Remember...

God save the Queen, and God save the Commonwealth.

- Sir Steven Churchill.

F I AM? NO NO MY FRIENDS...

Good day, to the wealthy and commoners.

Before we move into this week's lecture, I thought it would be best if we addressed the comments to Lord Lucius Kaine's introduction the American audience.

First.
Lucus Kane is a stuckup titewad, and so is the Commonerwealths.

You dunno like it, deal with it.

This young chap is a prime example of the problems with Americans--he does not know proper grammar or spelling; Dunno is not a real part of the English language; there is no such thing as Commonerwealths--you're either common or your wealthy.

Just a shining example of why this company and country needs the Commonwealth.

Now, on to this week's topic: This ghastly "F I am" chorus that the XWW audience loves to proclaim every time the beloved Lady Allison Martell. My dear fellows, if you are to embrace the ideologies of the Commonwealth, you must let this chant go. It is very unbecoming to say to a lady of class. In England when Lady Allison strolls down the sidewalks, peasants lower their heads or kneel in respect. They would never say anything as ludicrous as "F I am." No no my friends, this must be let go, immediately.

But I know that this is not the audience's fault--it's the society of this land. Proper etiquettes that were once taught at birth are vestiges among U.S. citizens. Oh yes, I know this to be true. I've seen it; children no longer respect their elders, no longer address them by Sir or Madame. They have the gall to call them by their first names; many of the youth no longer hold the doors for ladies.

So for your own sakes, please end this ridiculous chant; it only perpetuates the problems in this company and the country it represents.

That is all for now.

God save the Queen, and God save the Commonwealth.

--Sir Steven Churchill.

KNEEL BEFORE HIM - A LOOK AT LORD LUCIUS KAINE

Good day, to the wealthy and commoners. This week, I thought it would be best if we take a look at one of the finest gentleman in the world. He is the leader of the Commonwealth. Here is, narrating his monologue and presenting himself before an American audience for the first time: Lord Lucius Kaine. If you could get out of your seats in front of your bloody computers and applaud, welcome the Lord of the Commonwealth.

-- My name is Lord Lucius Kaine of the House of Kaine. I originate from Birmingham, the second city of the United Kingdom after London. My room is located in the East Wing of the Kaine mansion. I own dozens pieces of arts that collectively worth more than most of your salaries.
--I believe in taking care of myself, with a balanced diet and a rigorous training routine to keep my Adonis physique at the peak of perfection. Upon waking up in the morning, I have my servant Weasley prepare my usual morning breakfast while I do a set of morning crunches. I can do a thousand now. After this, I convene in the dining room with Lady Allison for our breakfast, which consists of eggs over easy, along with delicious strips of bacon from the healthiest pig in the herds of the land.

- After this, I enter the training room in the west wing to begin my training regiment with my very well paid trainers for two hours.

- Later on that evening, after High Tea...I'm sorry, I forgot I'm talking to Americans. At High Tea time, I enjoy a delicious Steak and Kidney Pie by Weasley, while Lady Allison dines on Shepherd's Pie.

- From there, we depart our home in our horse carriage to the nearest wrestling event. If not that, we'll take the train or airplane to the designated city, where a horse carriage will be waiting to carry us to the event.

Now you ask yourself--why is the Lord of the Commonwealth explaining his daily life? The answer is very simple: because I want you to know. They say that the wealthy only look after the wealthy. That is not true, for Lord Lucius Kaine will fight for the commoners. True, I wouldn't want to touch you, but that doesn't mean I don't care for you. I want you to be represented by the absolute best that the world has created. That the XWW, specifically the XIP brand has to offer. A life of privilege and class like mine can only bring importance to yours. Your stock would instantly rise by being in my presence. What more could a commoner ask for?

--So when you think of your heroes, don't think about the one-eyed psychopathic pirate. Don't think about the man in paint. Think of me. Believe in me: Lord Lucius Kaine. A man that, although doesn't live among the people, is for the people.

- Lord Lucius Kaine

ENTITLEMENT - THE DAY OF RECKONING

The XIP brand's first Pay-Per-View is called Entitlement. The etymology of the root word entitle is Anglo-French, entitler--From Late Latin, intitulare. The meaning: to bestow a rank, or office on a person.

Why is this important? First, because it is necessary to educate Americans. From what I've seen in this country, you don't get enough of it. Second, the word entitlement in the context of the XWW, specifically XIP, references the crowning of the first ever Global Wrestling Grand Prix Championship.


To become the first GWGP Champion is to have your name truly etched in the history of XWW. In this tournament of wrestlers striving to achieve this honor, there are only two whose names stand out: Earl John MacDougal and Lord Lucius Kaine.

Earl John MacDougal originates from Northern Ireland where he is known for belligerent and cunning tactics in street fights. He was taken under the wing of the Kaine family, who groomed him into an excellent wrestler. Soon he arrived in America, where he was greeted by Bruce Kaine into the XWW, where both began to establish themselves. Earl MacDougal believes "That backs are best served broken". On his path to the GWGP title, he will leave plenty of spines and broken and a hospital full of new patients.

Lord Lucius Kaine is a different story. Born into high class Kaine family, Lord Kaine enjoyed just about every privilege one could ask for. His early wrestling matches were before the Queen of England herself. His technical wizardry in the ring have earned him many praises all over the world. Tonight, Lord Kaine will use all of his ability to establish his sovereignty and bring class to the XWW.

Baron Bruce Kaine, also born into the Kaine family, gained a reputation as being mercilessly brutal to his opponents, even in the XWW when he brought a reign of destruction and besmirching as the Bare-Knuckle Champion. Although he will not be participating in the tournament, Baron Kaine will lend his support, by any means he can.

You see, becoming the one entitled as the first-ever Global Wrestling Grand Prix Champion is one of class, and power. And only class can bring class. In this business, there are none classier than the Commonwealth.

God save the Queen, and God save the Commonwealth.

- Sir Steven Churchill.