LUCIUS KAINE: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF CLASS

Greetings to the common and the wealthy!
I have another treat for you. With Mass Effect around the corner, that sorry bloak Tony Banner requested an interview with the dear Lord Lucius Kaine. The waiter Severus was able to videotape the event. We've provided it to you for free, since you common money can't afford it. So now, get yourselves a pint of beer or tea and enjoy the articulate words of the Lord of the Commonwealth...

EXT: THE ROOF OF THE COMMONWEALTH BUILDING

Tony Banner sits at table next to a rectangular pool in an upper left corner of the roof. What's weird about this pool is that its bottom has a mural painting of the United Kingdom flag. A figure emerges from the pool, soaked and drenched in the water. The sunlight glistens off of his muscles. His flowing blond hair whips around as he shakes his head. This is Lord Lucius Kaine.

The red-headed Weasley hands him a towel that Lucius snatches from him as he struts to the table and takes a chair.

Tony: Lord Lucius Kaine, thank you for having me here today.

Lucius: Oh it is my pleasure and your honor, chap. I am always available to deliver my words of wisdom and inspiration to those who need it--who in this case is all of those who aren't wealthy. Hahahaha. (Looks at Weasley) Weasley, brings us some tea, fruit, and cheese.

Weasley: Y-yes sir. (Weasley dashes off)

Tony: Lord Lucius Kaine, at Mass Effect, you will go one on one with Li Zhang Lou. How do you feel about that match?

Lucius: Well chap, I feel that this match is very important. One side of the ring, you have the Lord of the Commonwealth, the defender of the commoner even if he refuses to touch them. On the other side, you have an angry China man.

Tony: An angry China man?

Lucius: Why of course. In fact, expect for him to use nefarious methods in our match. Those claws of his are illegal for goodness sakes.

Tony: But why would Li Zhang...

Lucius: Don't you follow the news, dear boy? My fellow London citizens have been protesting against the Olympics being held in Beijing. Why not have them in London. Why not at the Royal Albert Hall?

Tony: But isn't that place too small?

Lucius: Pardon me, but have you ever been to London?

Tony: No sir, but...

Lucius: Then who are you tell me, me of all people about my country!

Allison: (O.S.--Off Screen) That's right! Do you know who the F he...

Lucius: Allison!

Allison: (O.S.) Sorry dear.

Tony: Where is Lady Allison's voice coming from?

Lucius: Why, under the table lad.

Tony: (Eyes widen in shock) You mean she's...

Lucius: I was kidding you pillack! She's probably a floor below us, listening out of the window. (Waves his finger) Your dirty American mind! How dare you! She is a lady!

Tony: I apologize.

Lucius: Kiss my ring and we'll be even.

Lucius extends his hand. Tony looks around, embarrassed. He kisses the ring quickly and goes back to his notepad.

Lucius: I'm sorry. It's just that I am passionate about my country and when human rights have been violated. Li Zhang Lou will pay for the sins of his people.

Tony: Wow. That's amazing sir.

Weasley returns with trays of fruit and cheese and a pot of tea.

Lucius: Ah, thank you Weasley!

Lucius grabs a strawberry.

Lucius: Ah, strawberries fresh from England. You won't find any that taste better than this. And the cheeses. Camembert, chevre, and a Stilton. Delicious!

Tony: Hmm, may I have some of that?

Lucius: No, you're not rich.

Lucius takes a bite from a piece of chevre.

Lucius: Now, on to more pressing matters. The International Championship. It is a very prestigious belt...but in the wrong hands. I am Lord Lucius Kaine, a true man of the world. Once my business with Li Zhang Fool is over, I will set my sights on it. Write that down. Then leave.

Tony: Sure. See you at Mass Effect.

There you have it, scoundrels. Good day.

God save the Queen, and God save the Commonwealth.

--Sir Steven Churchill.

NEED FOR A HERO

Greetings to the common and wealthy....blast it, BESMIRCHED!

How dare Li Zhang Lou put his hands on me! That filthy pillack! Do you know that I had to be flown back to England to get my wounds dressed? I would not dare let the American doctors touch me and let them infect me with their incompetence! Surely that fool will pay for his insolence.

The need for someone to believe in exists in all human beings. Dating back to the era of Ancient Greece, the people would uplift the heroes such as Achilles, Heracles, Perseus, as someone to look up to.

In America, such a need still exists. But just as in Ancient Greece, their heroes aren't true heroes at all. Achilles was an arrogant fairy; Heracles was a philanderer. Look at this country, pathetic. Their forefathers spoke of a moral fiber--All men are created equal--and each owned slaves. Nothing has changed. Look at the leaders of this nation. The great President William Jefferson Clinton, revered as an excellent leader who helped give this nation a surplus, was not a virtuous man, as he cheated on his wife. Some say it was just fellatio that's all. No no my friends.--sex is sex.

And note that this trend continues. The New York governor Eliot Spitzer--ironically a member of the Democratic Party--took pleasures in the arms of call girls in bordellos and hotels. His replacement, David Paterson, has admitted to having affairs during a trying time with wife. As if this excuses it...

That is the problem with Americans. They are always looking for excuses to live in mediocrity and hypocrisy than ascend to prosperity. Look at the UHC Champion 211. This is a man who is supposed to be a role model to young children. Yet, he calls his finisher, Steel Reserve, which is an alcoholic beverage. No wonder the minds of these ruddy children are poisoned. You boo Lucius Kane when he comes to save you, yet cheer this clown 211 when he all he does is drag you through the puddles of inferiority.

Again I must implore that you believe in the Commonwealth, and believe that we'll save you...even if we refuse to touch you.

God save the Queen, and God save the Commonwealth.

--Sir Steven Churchill.