Greetings to the common and wealthy! Today, a joyous treat for you. You get the chance of living the life with the Commonwealth. Not actually with us, mind you--we can't be touched by your filthy hands--but with the aid of a video camera. So, sit back, fix yourself a spot of tea, and grab a box of tissues to wipe away the tears from realizing you'll never live as good as we do.
EXT: THE COMMONWEALTH BUILDING
A horse drawn carriage adorned with the British flag is parked on the sidewalk. Camera pans around on the horses and stops at the building's entrance. A red headed servant comes through the double doors and holds them as Baron Bruce Kaine and Earl John MacDougal--dressed in black suits, Kaine wearing a UK flag studded neck tie--exits and heads for the carriage. Behind them comes a couple dressed in suits, with the lady wearing a red cloak over attire--her hands covered by rich leather red gloves. Her gentleman wore black suit just as the first two men; however, he wore a UK flag design covered top hat. This is Lady Allison Martell and Lord Lucius Kaine. Flanking on the side was a fairly slender man writing in a booklet: Chancellor Steven Churchill.
CHURCHILL: My Lord Kaine, we have reservations for the Occidental Restaurant in an hour.
LUCIUS: Very good. Weasley take us to the palace.
WEASLEY: Sir, there isn't a palace here.
LUCIUS: What are you bloody talking about? Where does the executive of this dreadful company live?
WEASLEY: The White House, sir.
LUCIUS: Well take us there.
ALLISON: Bloody Weasley. Sometimes I think it would be wise to fire him and hire his twin brothers.
LUCIUS: But then we'd have two silly wankers instead of one.
Lucius and Allison laugh as they enter the horse carriage. They look around find someone missing.
LUCIUS: Where's John?
MacDougal gets in the carriage and rubs his hands together.
BRUCE: What did you just do?
MACDOUGAL: I just helped that homeless man. He needed his back fixed.
LUCIUS: (With a disgusting expression) You mean you actually touched that wino, that ruffian? How distasteful. (Taps the wall of the carriage) Weasley, let us be off!
The camera fades out and returns with a new scene: the horse carriage stops in front of the White House. The Commonwealth leaves their ride and walks up to the gate. They pass a homeless man sleeping on a bench nearby. Allison takes a can of Lysol and sprays it on him.
COMMONWEALTH: No no my lady! You don't want to get its benny on.
ALLISON: Hmm...he looks related to that steg, Amanda Alvaz.
The camera pans around to Lucius walking pass the gates to the gardens in front of the White House.
LUCIUS: Ah, so there is a serene place in this city. Still doesn't touch Buckingham. And those roses need pruning.
A guard approaches Lucius. MacDougal and Bruce join their leader.
GUARD: May I help you?
LUCIUS: Oh, are you one of the Foot guards? Shouldn't you be at the gate?
GUARD: Foot guard?
LUCIUS: *Sigh* Don't you Americans know anything other than your revisionist history?
GUARD: I'm sorry, but we're not allowing any visitors today.
LUCIUS: You will regret this--no one refuses the Commonwealth.
Lucius, Bruce, and MacDougal walk through the gates and start entering the carriage when they see a beggar approaching Allison. Angry, Lucius walks up and grabs Allison by the arm.
LUCIUS: Away from her, ruffian!
BEGGAR: I just need a dollar, man.
LUCIUS: A dollar? Fool, you should ask for a pound. Our money is worth more than this country's.
BEGGAR: But I need a dollar.
LUCIUS: (Waves his hand) Your loss, berk.
We cut away to a new scene...
EXT: WASHINGTON CIRCLE
We get a shot of the George Washington statue and pan around to other side. Lucius stands on a podium raised high enough to be level with statue's platform. Beneath are Bruce and MacDougal looking at the crowd gathering, pointing at them. Churchill is handing out pamphlets titled "The Iron Curtain." Allison is pulled up to the podium by Lucius.
ALLISON: Alright, you Americans. It's time for you to...
No one's listening to her.
ALLISON: (Enraged) Alright you bloody Wankers! Pay attention so you can learn something! Don't you dare tell me to bog off, young man! Do you know who the F I...
LUCIUS: Allison.
Allison regains her composure and is helped down by MacDougal and Bruce. Lucius waves his arm.
LUCIUS: Citizens of the District of Columbia! Like your first President, the legendary George Washington, I cannot tell a lie--the American culture is on life support, struggling to breathe, struggling to exist. Your money's value is depreciating; your female heroes are slags; your male heroes are fairies and gits; your leaders are hypocrites.
The crowd begins booing Lucius. MacDougal threatens a couple of men while Bruce keeps two back.
BRUCE: Shurrup!
LUCIUS: Your leaders have always been hypocrites. Your founding father--George Washington--Thomas Jefferson--John Adams--they wrote that all men are created equal in your Declaration of Independence. Yet, each of those men owned slaves!
Surprisingly, a few black men start cheering. An apple core is thrown at Lucius.
LUCIUS: Watch it you git! This is an Alfred Dunhill dinner jacket! This costs more than your car!!!
Out of nowhere, an "F I Am " chant starts. Aggravated, Lucius steps off the podium, grabs Allison and heads for the carriage. He turns back to the crowd.
LUCIUS: You are all fools! Continue to support the pirate and the painted men! We're here to save you! Why can't you see that?
ALLISON: Don't worry honey, I can see that.
She gives him a kiss as they get on the carriage. Churchill blots his eyes with his handkerchief.
CHURCHILL: My Lord Lucius continues his attempts to help them despite receiving rejection. How noble.
INT: OCCIDENTAL RESTAURANT
The Commonwealth sits at a roundtable, looking at their menus. A waiter comes to the table.
WAITER: Good evening. My name is...
LUCIUS: Kiss my ring, please.
WAITER: I'm sorry?
Lucius holds his hand up.
LUCIUS: Kiss my ring, and we'll continue.
Confused, the waiter looks to his manager, who motions him to do it. The waiter kisses Lucius' ring.
LUCIUS: Very good! Now, what is on your special?
WAITER: Well sir, we have foie gras, a potato special...
MACDOUGAL: Excuse me?
WAITER: Sir?
MACDOUGAL: You looked at me when you spoke of the potato special. Why?
WAITER: I was just going over...
MACDOUGAL: Why do you think I want the potato special? Because I'm Irish? I'll break your...
CHURCHILL: Earl MacDougal, please. Can we just enjoy a good meal?
LUCIUS: (to the waiter) Before we order, could you take down those ridiculous pictures on the walls?
WAITER: Sir, there pictures of the Presidents of the United States.
LUCIUS: I know. They disgust me. Weasley!
Weasley walks in with a folder. He hands the waiter a pile of pictures after reaching into the bag.
WAITER: Who are these?
LUCIUS: They are the Kings and Queens of England. Put them up at once.
WAITER: I'll...have to ask the manager.
ALLISON: What do you have in tea?
WAITER: We have raspberry, Lipton...
LUCIUS: Lipton tea! Disgusting!
BRUCE: Vile!
MACDOUGAL: My tongue palette doesn't enjoy that brew.
CHURCHILL: Bring us some black tea, sugar and cream.
The waiter bows his hand and leaves.
BRUCE: Lucius, what are you going to do about Li Zhang Lou?
LUCIUS: Pfft, nothing. Feel his deathstrike, he says? He should try holding my money clip.
The waiter returns with the tea. Weasley pours it into five cups.
LUCIUS: Can you imagine living any other way my friends?
BRUCE: Not all, cousin.
MACDOUGAL: Never.
ALLISON: No way love.
CHURCHILL: A toast.
Everyone grabs their tea cups.
CHURCHILL: God save the Queen, and God save the Commonwealth.
The camera pans in on their hands bringing their tea cups together as we fade out...
THE END
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